Crazy English — Why English is so Hard to Learn

Why English Is So Hard to Learn

The following excerpt (often attributed to Richard Lederer’s Crazy English [1989]) highlights the delightful absurdities of the English language.

A Few Reasons Why English Confuses Learners

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. They were too close to the door to close it.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. Don’t forget, we must polish the Polish furniture.

14. The buck does funny things when there are does present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?

22. We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

The Paradoxes of English

• There is no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

• English muffins weren’t invented in England, nor were French fries in France.

• Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.

• Writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham.

Plural forms also play tricks: one goose, two geese—but one moose, two moose. One index, two indices.

You can make amends, but never just one amend.

The Madness Continues

In what other language do people:

• Recite at a play and play at a recital?

• Ship goods by truck and send cargo by ship?

• Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

English is full of contradictions: your house can burn up while it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out; and an alarm goes off by going on.

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What Three People Said About Using My Humanities Resources in the Classroom with Actual Students

Discover what educators are saying about my engaging, classroom-tested Humanities and ELA resources for middle and high school teachers and students.

Stones of Erasmus is more than just a blog; it is where I go to create fun, engaging humanities resources that spark meaningful conversations and inspire students from grades 6-12.

Teachers, parents, and administrators love my resources! Rebekah shared that she used them “first with adult ESL students and then with my teenage sons as a conversation game,” adding that “the hook and realness of the issues” resonated with both her sons and her students. Frances, who had never taught philosophy before, said, “My students were engaged while reading and discussing the different philosophers. Thanks for putting it all together for us!”

I create fun, engaging Middle and High School ELA activities loved by teachers, perfect for philosophy, mythology, and diverse, growth-minded classrooms.

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Video Lesson #1: How to Gain Fluency in a Language

In this video post, Greig Roselli writes about language fluency and some simple steps you can do to improve language skills.

Fluency Occurs Across a Lifetime

Language learning is a long journey to fluency. In fact, there is no absolute fluency in language learning. Learning is on a continuum. What this means is that we learn at different levels and in different contexts across different aspects of our daily lives. Language is forever warping, shedding, building muscle — expanding and contracting. 

Things You Can Do Today to Improve Fluency

Experts say one has to encounter a word ten times in ten different ways to know it. The best way to improve one's fluency is to encounter the language you want to learn in different modes every day. Read an article. Take a quiz. Listen to a conversation. Ask questions. Make a list of interesting, new words. Take notes on what you read and hear. Write responses to interesting topics. Take a class. Listen to a podcast. Identify words that are similar (but may have different meanings) to one's target language.

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Teaching My Non-English Speaking Students English

Teaching English to language learners is a challenging job; but, I do it every school day after I drink my first cup of coffee and stand slave to the copy machine.

Word Walls are great for 

English Language Learners

I start each workday with a cup of coffee. I check work e-mail. Then I go to my Google Drive and open up my lesson plan files for the day and mark what I need to photocopy at work. I don't own a printer. So I usually just cross my fingers that the printers at school will spill out glorious spreads of worksheets for me. It's a daily prayer to the teacher gods. Athena, hear me. I don't have a homeroom so I use that time before first period class to staple, collate, or just talk the talk with colleagues. I teach six class periods a day. But I don't have a traditional teaching schedule. I teach my classes to a cohort of eight to twelve kids from mainland China. They all speak either Mandarin or Cantonese. That's not entirely true though because I have a kid from Thailand and I've taught kids from Vietnam, and South Korea. My students are fun to teach but it's exhausting work because we are with each other for most of the day. The kids push out for lunch and their math class - and for the rest of the scholastic schedule, they're parlaying in English with me. Or it is usually English. Sometimes I learn a few Mandarin or Cantonese words.

A bilingual phrasebook in Mandarin and English

       That's how I learned the word for "dumbass" in Mandarin Chinese is 傻逼. But Google Translate tells me that it simply means "silly." I think something is lost in translation because one kid says this word all the time. It's annoying. It's like having that kid in your class who always mutters not-so-slightly under his breath "[expletive] this shit." At least that is how it feels. Sometimes the Mandarin teacher will push-in and hang out. She told me the word has multiple meanings. So there. I like my job because I've always loved playing with language and meaning. It's fun getting the kids to play the game. To get them to see how language works. To engage them. I want my kids to feel confident and to be OK making mistakes. So sometimes I'll take out the bilingual dictionary and practice pronouncing Mandarin. It's what's humorous. I am mostly frantic during the school day because I am always thinking twelve steps ahead. I have lots of ideas and not a lot of resources to bring 'em to life. I don't use textbooks but that's to my advantage. The hardest class to teach is social studies. The easiest class is the speaking class. I hate teaching grammar. And even though I love to write I'm not the best writing teacher. So that leaves me with my greatest strength: I'm really good at classroom discussion. When my kids take turns talking in English about fun and interesting topics I'm so proud of them because it ain't easy to parlay in a language that ain't your own. Now that it's May I'm in reflection mode about the year. I think we done did good. And I'm super excited about Summer. Of course. But I wonder how next year will flow. It's important for me to feel successful. On Friday I had a meeting about goals for next year. And when I think of next year one thing I want more than anything is for my students to go to a cool museum, write some cool sentences, and feel good about learning in English. Go us.

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