Why English Is So Hard to Learn
The following excerpt (often attributed to Richard Lederer’s Crazy English [1989]) highlights the delightful absurdities of the English language.
A Few Reasons Why English Confuses Learners
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The bandage was wound around the wound.
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The farm was used to produce produce.
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The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
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They were too close to the door to close it.
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He could lead if he would get the lead out.
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The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
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Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
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A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
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When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
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I did not object to the object.
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The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
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There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
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Don’t forget, we must polish the Polish furniture.
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The buck does funny things when there are does present.
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A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer line.
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To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
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The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
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After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
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Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
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I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
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How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?
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We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.
The Paradoxes of English
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There is no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
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English muffins weren’t invented in England, nor were French fries in France.
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Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.
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Writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham.
Plural forms also play tricks: one goose, two geese—but one moose, two moose. One index, two indices.
You can make amends, but never just one amend.
The Madness Continues
In what other language do people:
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Recite at a play and play at a recital?
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Ship goods by truck and send cargo by ship?
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Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
English is full of contradictions: your house can burn up while it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out; and an alarm goes off by going on.
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