Crazy English — Why English is so Hard to Learn

Why English Is So Hard to Learn

The following excerpt (often attributed to Richard Lederer’s Crazy English [1989]) highlights the delightful absurdities of the English language.

A Few Reasons Why English Confuses Learners

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. They were too close to the door to close it.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. Don’t forget, we must polish the Polish furniture.

14. The buck does funny things when there are does present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?

22. We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

The Paradoxes of English

• There is no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

• English muffins weren’t invented in England, nor were French fries in France.

• Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.

• Writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham.

Plural forms also play tricks: one goose, two geese—but one moose, two moose. One index, two indices.

You can make amends, but never just one amend.

The Madness Continues

In what other language do people:

• Recite at a play and play at a recital?

• Ship goods by truck and send cargo by ship?

• Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

English is full of contradictions: your house can burn up while it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out; and an alarm goes off by going on.

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Clip Art: Three Grecian Heads

Explore 'Three Grecian Heads', a historic 1814 illustration showcasing ancient costumes, featuring the swift-footed warrior, Achilles.

"Three Grecian Heads"

Three Grecian heads. The figure in the middle is "Swift-footed Achilles," the famed Achaean warrior told about in the stories of Homer.

Source note: — An illustration of the Egyptian, Grecian, and Roman costume: in forty outlines with descriptions. London. 1814. Baxter, Thomas, 1782-1821 (Engraver). This image is in the public domain. Retrieved from The Miriam and Ira D. Wallach Division of Art, Prints and Photographs: Art & Architecture Collection, The New York Public Library. New York Public Library Digital Collections. Uploaded by Stones of Erasmus.

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Clip Art: Athena Fights the Titan Enceladus

Athena fights Enceladus

Minerva with her shield of serpents attacks the Titan Enceladus with her lance. Enceladus holds a shield on which is a triskelion, symbol of Sicily, where he was swallowed by Aetna. A falcon or hawk seems to combat Minerva's owl. Rouen Museum. Source note: Elite des monuments céramographiques : matériaux pour l''histoire des religions et des moeurs de l''antiquité. (Paris : Leleux, 1844-1861) Lenormant, Charles (1802-1859), Author. Retrieved from the New York Public Library Digital Collections. The image is in the public domain. Uploaded by Stones of Erasmus.

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Clip Art: A Winged Griffin About to Take Flight

This public domain image depicts the mythological creature the griffin — part lion and part eagle. A griffin is a legendary creature with the head and wings of an eagle and the body of a lion. It is said to be a powerful and majestic beast, capable of flying great distances and possessing great strength. In many myths and legends, griffins are depicted as guardians of treasure or protectors of sacred places. 

This particular image is in the public domain, which means it can be used for any purpose, including commercial use, without restriction. This is because the image's copyright has either expired or was never copyrighted in the first place.

Find more of creations on TpT!

Find more of my clip art on TpT!

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Clip Art: The Goddess Diana (Artemis) with a Stag

This public domain image depicts the goddess Diana (or, Artemis) with a stag. Diana, the goddess of the moon and the hunt, is known as Artemis by the Greeks.

The image comes from page 94 of "Mythology: Illustrated Chiefly from the Myths and Legends of Greece (Chambers's Elementary Science Manuals) by A.S. Murray (Senior Assistant in the Department of Greek and Roman Antiquities, British Museum). Published by W. & R. Chambers, London and Edinburgh (1876)". Image source: First scanned by Google Books (books.google.com). Find more of my stuff on TpT.

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Clip Art: The Greek God Dionysos (Bacchus) and Panther

This public domain image depicts the god Dionysos seated with a panther. Dionysos, the god of wine, is known as Bacchus by the Romans.

The image comes from page 55 of "Mythology: Illustrated Chiefly from the Myths and Legends of Greece (Chambers's Elementary Science Manuals) by A.S. Murray (Senior Assistant in the Department of Greek and Roman Antiquities, British Museum). Published by W. & R. Chambers, London and Edinburgh (1876)". 

Image source: First scanned by Google Books (books.google.com).

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Clip Art: Helios, God of the Sun

In this post, I share a public domain image of Helios, the Greek god of the sun.

This public domain image, most likely depicting the sun god Helios (but sometimes conflated with Apollo), comes from page 120 of "Manual of Mythology: Greek and Roman, Norse, and Old German, Hindoo and Egyptian Mythology" (1875). The detail in this artwork is extraordinary - it captures the essence of a powerful divinity with remarkable precision. One can almost feel the energy emanating from Helios' shining form as his golden hair resembles a diadem. He holds a cornucopia in one hand while the other clutches an alabaster glass bowl filled with liquid light. It's no wonder such depictions have endured for centuries; they remind us to bask in the warmth of divine power even today. 

Image source: Originally scanned by the New York Public Library Digital Collection  (digitalcollections.nypl.org). 

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