Crazy English — Why English is so Hard to Learn

Why English Is So Hard to Learn

The following excerpt (often attributed to Richard Lederer’s Crazy English [1989]) highlights the delightful absurdities of the English language.

A Few Reasons Why English Confuses Learners

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. They were too close to the door to close it.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. Don’t forget, we must polish the Polish furniture.

14. The buck does funny things when there are does present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?

22. We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

The Paradoxes of English

• There is no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

• English muffins weren’t invented in England, nor were French fries in France.

• Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.

• Writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham.

Plural forms also play tricks: one goose, two geese—but one moose, two moose. One index, two indices.

You can make amends, but never just one amend.

The Madness Continues

In what other language do people:

• Recite at a play and play at a recital?

• Ship goods by truck and send cargo by ship?

• Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

English is full of contradictions: your house can burn up while it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out; and an alarm goes off by going on.

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